So Charlie pooped on the potty! Exciting, right? Yes and no.
I never thought my daughter would be ready to start potty training before I was ready for her to. I mean, seriously, who wants to change diapers?
Now, I keep having flashbacks of the bright green, raisins and stained carpet.
But I’m getting ahead of myself… let’s take it back to where it all began.
My daughter makes distinct noises and crouches down like she is a tiger stalking her pray in a field of tall grasses when she goes number two.
I became acutely aware of this after she added some company to one of our baths one night.
While cleaning up, I noticed some crouching tiger hidden dragon going on in the corner of my living room.
Upon this discovery, Charlie and I made our way to the bathroom to sit on her stinky skunk potty.
It was then I realized the hard part is keeping her on the potty long enough to do the deed.
So, I did what any parent would do. I bribed her. I let her play with something she knew she was never supposed to touch, my nail polish bottles.
After picking up and dropping all of the nail polishes, the thunder came down into my bathroom.
It was really the sound the got my attention. It was like a rescue airplane dropping gallons of water on a burning fire in California. The sound also scared my daughter so much she jumped up off the pot before she was actually done going and got it all over the bottoms of her pajamas and shoes.
The color, the smell, oh goodness she ate raisins today.
Between figuring out how to clean this catastrophe in the corner of my bathroom and pure shock that Charlie actually used the potty, I missed the tiger crouching down behind me on my bath mat. After cleaning out the potty and yelling congratulations to this little child, I turned just in time to catch her finish her poo all over my bathroom rug.
It was then we decided to take the second bath of the day.
And when I realized I needed more wine, a lot more wine to even consider the potty training process for at least another month.
So, whenever you think you have a bad case of the Mondays, just think, you could be cleaning multi-colored poop off the floor while chasing a pant-less toddler. Or you could borrow mine for a few hours.
As promised, this blog will contain the many crazy, silly stories that make up my life.. This is one of those stories.
For the first time I took a road trip with just my daughter. I’ve driven a few hours here and there with her before, but my husband was always either at the other end or meeting me. This time it was just me.
I have been having anxiety about traveling with just her for months. What will I do if she starts crying? What if she gets hungry? How will I be able to comfort her?
I thought about this trip all week, dreamed about it every night and when it came down to me leaving on Saturday morning, half of my brain told me just to back out.
I waited until baby girl was fed, changed and tired and thought “this is perfect timing,” she will sleep for the 3 1/2 hours and hopefully I won’t hit traffic and everything will be A-OK.
So I packed up the car and hit the road.
I downloaded an audio book to listen to thinking it would help me keep my mind of the long trip and help pass the time, and everything seemed to be working!
45 minutes into the trip baby girl is sleeping, I’m on the third chapter of my book, there’s not too many cars on the road and the sun was shining. See, you were being silly worrying about how this trip would go, everything is just fine. You can do this!
Then I got to my first toll, that’s when the loudest truck on the face of the planet decided to speed though the EzPass lane.. waking up my sleeping baby. Waking up my sound, sleeping baby. Waking up my sound, sleeping baby who just realized she’s stuck in her car seat and can’t get out.
She started out calm, but the cooing and mumbling turned into frustrated grunts which turned into angry screams as she tried to get out of her car seat.
On top of that, I told myself, don’t drink anything, don’t even take one sip. You are not stopping on this trip.
Well, I got thirsty. Just a little water wouldn’t hurt, right? Wrong. Now I have to pee, in pain pee, counting down the mile marker signs to the rest stop.
So, as I’m singing 10 Little Monkeys as loud as I can for the thirtieth time, I finally make the 20 miles to the rest stop.
Shaking from having to go to the bathroom, I quickly park, grab the baby and the diaper buy and skip/sprint/Foxtrot into the crowded rest stop. As i finally shimmy my way to the bathroom, I stop in a panic. What the heck am I going to do with my daughter while I use the facilities? I will not put her on a dirty bathroom floor, I didn’t bring a carrier, what the heck am I going to do?
Then my body took over, as I stealthily wiggle my pants off with one hand and manage to pop a squat while holding my daughter on my lap. In a public bathroom.
Let’s touch light on this one more time. I am squatting over a toilet while holding and entertaining my daughter in a public rest room.
On top of that spectacular sight, after managing to wash my hands and getting covered in water, because remember, I am holding my almost 10-month-old daughter, I decided to change her diaper. Let’s set the scene, the changing table is next to an automatic soap dispenser and automatic paper towel holder.
As I’m changing her diaper, she starts getting fussy so another rendition of 10 Little Monkeys is on deck. While breaking it down while monkeys are falling off the bed, I hear a squirt, squirt, and rollllll, squirt, squirt and rolllllll. At first I didn’t think anything of it, but by the time I got to six monkeys I figured I should probably look around… As I turn I see paper towels creating a pile on the floor.. seeping up the pink and white foaming soap that has descended all over the floor due to my booty popping to 10 Little Monkeys.
As I try to figure out how the heck I am going to clean it up, the cleaning lady comes around the corner, looks at the mess, looks and me. I tried to smile and explain but she just held up her hand and told me to stop.
I don’t think I’ve ever booked it out of a rest stop so fast in my life.
While still in shock about going to the bathroom with my daughter on my lap and making a mess in the bathroom, we get back in the car and hit the road. My daughter soon realizes she is back in the car seat, back in the car = her hell.
She cries, I try to reach around and give her her binky. She cries, I try to give her her favorite minion doll, Bob. She cries and the process repeats itself over and over. Until I take Bob and make him dance over my head behind the driver seat head rest.. this makes her giggle and laugh.
So for the next 45 minutes, Bob was dancing like crazy behind my head getting switched from one hand to the other to try to make her happy.
Ten minutes away from our destination, she falls asleep, of course.
After a fabulous trip with friends and celebrating a new baby coming into the world, we got ready to hit the road again. This time, anticipating a dance recital from Bob, stops on the way home, and lots of 10 Little Monkeys. Ok mom, you can do this.
Ten minutes into the drive home, she’s sound asleep. Sound asleep at one hour, sound asleep at chapter 12, sound asleep at three hours.. until she finally wakes up as we pull up to our house. #blessed.
Now, just a few hours later, she’s curled up in her crib with her favorite blanket, which I forgot to bring on our trip. And I can’t help but smile and be thankful for the weekend time we got to share together and with great friends.
Plus, even when she’s angry crying, or looking at me confused while I hold her while I pee, she’s still pretty cute.